Elizabeth Grady advises what to expect from an expatriate lifestyle and what you can do if it’s not all you dreamed it would be.
Accepting an overseas assignment and living the life of an “expat” is often perceived as glamorous and exciting. While living in a foreign country can be a rewarding experience, there are times – especially in the initial months – when life can be lonely and isolating. Drinking gin and tonics, playing tennis and never having to wash your own clothes may sound idyllic. But many of us hate tennis, can’t stand the smell of gin and would rather wash our own underwear.
Karen Gosling, Counselling Director of Gosling International says people experiencing adjustment problems are often suffering from grief. “It’s typically called depression, because many of the symptoms are the same,” Karen explains. A change in appetite, sleep disturbance and periods of intense sadness are just some of the symptoms which may indicate relocation trauma. “Grief is a stress response. And it can be hard to recognise when you’re meant to be excited about this wonderful opportunity you’ve been given to live in another country.” Even if you were looking forward to the change, there’s still a sense of loss. As when relocating, people lose what’s familiar – even what they once took for granted. For Karen, this was watering the garden. “Living on the seventh level of a condominium, I have no garden and certainly nothing that needs watering. Back home, I really enjoyed time in my garden at the end of each day – now it’s gone.”
The other challenge for many expatriate women – and some men – is they’ve become “trailing spouses” and have left a successful career behind, due to a “once-in-a-lifetime” opportunity for their spouse. Andrea Martins – co-creator of ExpatWomen.com – believes trailing spouses face four main challenges:
· Loss of identity.
· Finding new meaningful ways to fill the days.
· Language and cultural barriers.
· Relationship issues.
The employed spouse can also face a sense of loss. “Many business people in Singapore travel frequently, forgoing precious time with their children. Typically they’ll begin to mourn the loss of family – the very reason they sometimes moved to Singapore, believing a shorter commuting distance for business travel would mean more time at home,” Karen comments.
Glenn Graves, a counsellor at The Counselling Place, identifies the four main stages of cultural adjustment and the symptoms attached to each:
Honeymoon The host country is idealised. But newcomers may also feel fatigued – due to the excitement associated with being somewhere new and the amount of information needing to be absorbed. Even acclimatising can take a toll. “Newcomers experience sensory overload,” Glenn says. This can manifest itself in physical aliments, such as insomnia. Glenn suggests getting enough rest, setting aside time to process new information and “keeping a routine similar to the one you have at home, to create structure.”
Rejection Inevitably you’ll become frustrated with “the way things are done” in your new home country. “You may become irritable when there’s a communication breakdown, or on discovering it takes longer to accomplish tasks easily completed at home,” Glenn comments. You may even become suspicious with your hired help – particularly if they prefer to do things their way. “Often it comes down to simple cultural differences, which can easily be resolved through open communication”. Use positive self-talk and see any differences as just that – no better or worse, just different.
Regression “This is when we can feel a loss of identity – particularly if you’re a trailing spouse,” Glenn says. Andrea Martins from Expatwomen.com recommends:
· Seeking out others in the same situation.
· Setting a routine and goals each day.
· Understanding the importance of language. “If there’s a new language or ‘local slang’, learn it. Investing time to learn the local language and customs pays ongoing dividends.
Homesickness is also associated with regression, so you may find comfort in familiar cultural symbolism. Glenn advises, “Acquaint yourself with religious, sports or other organisations with affiliations to your home country.”
Cultural adjustment This is when you become comfortable in your new environment. “Focus on adapting to your new environment, instead of expecting the new environment to adapt to you,” Glen stresses. Amanda Lawson, an Australian, lived in the United States for two years before moving to Singapore with her husband and three-month-old baby. She felt she reached the stage of cultural adjustment after six months, “Living an expatriate life has given me many benefits. I’ve had the opportunity to make new friends and become more open-minded and tolerant of other cultures and religions”.
USEFUL CONTACTS
If you’ve recently moved to Singapore it’s important to remember feeling any trepidation is quite normal. But if you or anyone in your family is having difficulties, it’s important to seek support.
SUPPORT
Gosling International Tel: 6281 5157, www.goslings.net
The Counselling Place Tel: 6887 3695, www.thecounsellingplace.com
ASSOCIATIONS
American Association Tel: 6738 0371, www.aasingapore.com
Association Francaise de Singapour www.afsingapour.com
Australian and New Zealand Association Tel: 6733 1215, www.anza.org.sg Includes a chapter for “men of leisure” – Secret Men’s Business, Tel: 8322 7775, Email: secretmensb@yahoo.com.sg
Belgium & Luxembourg Association www.blas.org.sg
British Association Tel: 6339 8229, www.britishassociation.org.sg
Canadian Association Tel: 6734 5954, www.canadians.org.sg
Danish Seaman’s Church Tel: 6274 6344/9144 6272, www.dabs-singapore.com
Filipino Association Tel: 6782 4200
Indian Women’s Association www.iwasingapore.org
Italian Women’s Group www.iwgsingapore.org
Japanese Association Tel: 6468 0066, www.jas.org.sg
Korean Association Tel: 6299 8966, www.koreansingapore.org
PrimeTime Business & Professional Women’s Association Tel: 6234 0973, www.primetime.org.sg
Scandinavian Women’s Association www.swasingapore.com.sg
South African Group, Protea Tel: 6465 6908, www.proteasingapore.com
St Andrews Society (Scottish) www.standrewssociety.org.sg
St David’s Society (Welsh) Tel: 6463 7651
St Patrick’s Society (Irish) www.stpatssingapore.com
Singapore Club Sweden www.singaporeclub.se
Swedish Women’s Association Tel: 6469 3446
OTHERS
Friends of the Museums Tel: 6337 3685, www.fom.sg
Harley Owners Group Tel: 9630 7853, www.singaporehog.com
St George’s Church Tel: 6473 2877, www.stgeorges.org.sg
Do you have a Singapore Secret you’d like to share? Send details (700 words) plus images to mjones-white@acpmagazines.com.sg and you could be published in an upcoming issue of The Finder!
Posted on Sep 08
